i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
There's even glitter on my cock...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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