Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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