i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
