I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Who wears a wallet chain?!
farters have to be the big spoon...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
