Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
