Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm like, not good at living.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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