you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
