Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
