He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
