i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
