So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
