Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't deserve a penis
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
