youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
