Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
