I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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