my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
