Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
