I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My dick has a subreddit
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
