Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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