Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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