god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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