There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
