Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
