I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
