someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
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It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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