anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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