Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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