My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you win again, gameday.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
