apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
