We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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