So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
