Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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