Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
