i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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