Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
