I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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