Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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