I'm gonna have a badass scar
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
God, you're like boner-b-gone
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
