As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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