Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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