I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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