If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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