I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i came on her dog
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
