Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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