i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm like, not good at living.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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