this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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