Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
