you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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