Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
