you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
