Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
