Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
