drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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