I just threw up on my dentist
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
