Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
