birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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