I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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